Some Things Cannot Be Replaced
by SlightlyObsessed
Summary: As the newest member of Squad Levi, there are many things Petra doesn't understand, namely her distant captain.


"How about this one?"

Levi placed the file in front of Erwin.

Petra Ral. Status: active.

Age: 22. Birthday: Dec. 6. Residence: Wall Rose.

Height: 158 cm. Weight: 55 kg.

Hair color: blonde. Eye color: brown. Skin color: white.

Family information: father Carl Ral, mother Delmira Ral (deceased).

Affiliation: Survey Corps. Rank: private.

Kills: Solo: 3. In team: 14.

Stats: Combat: 6/10. Initiative: 7/10. Wits: 7/10. Teamwork: 9/10.

Instructor's notes: Ral is a skilled warrior, despite her appearance, but her best quality by far is how she interacts with people. This makes for excellent teamwork.

Ranked #2 in training.

Erwin looked at the file for a long time.

"I don't think she'd be right for your squad."

Levi started. He had felt relieved to stumble upon this name, even surprised that Erwin hadn't suggested her. She had wonderful credentials, despite her young age. In fact, he was baffled he hadn't noticed her before. She was from the same batch of trainees as Oluo; how had he missed her when he picked him out? Most likely it was because of Oluo's preference for solo kills, which caught attention more easily. But why did Erwin think she wasn't a good fit?

"Why?"

Erwin paused, then shook his head slowly.

"Trust me, Levi."

A thought occurred to Levi. His eyes narrowed.

"You can't seriously believe that another woman in the squad will be enough to remind me of Shannon." His voice was cold. "I see now. All of these soldiers you've recommended… not a woman among them. Do you really have that little faith in me?"

"No, Levi… that's just a coincidence. Petra… it's more than that."

"I want Petra. And that's final." Levi wondered if he was making a mistake. Maybe there was something else, maybe Erwin did have a good reason… but then why wouldn't he tell him? Then again, Levi was putting his foot down mainly to prove Erwin wrong. A rash move. So unlike Levi, so like…

She really did have an impact on him. He was different, wasn't he? Levi wasn't sure if he liked these changes.

But those days were over. Gone. Dead. Dead…

Erwin sighed. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

Levi snatched up the file and left, trying to remember how he used to act.

* * *

Petra couldn't help but feel disappointed.

She felt rather guilty about it… what had she expected, a shining example of heroism? No, the real Captain Levi was more high-strung, violent, and overall intimidating. And also… smaller in stature. Still taller than Petra, at least. By what, two centimeters? Impressive, really, that a grown man could rival Petra in shortness.

But on the other hand, it almost made him seem more real. If he had behaved like some larger-than-life luminary, Petra wasn't sure she could have acted naturally in front of him. Despite his terrifying aura, Petra felt oddly comfortable around him. She just wished he would acknowledge her presence more. From the moment Petra showed up for duty, Levi had kept conversation, even eye contact, to a minimum. Then again, he wasn't exactly a social butterfly around the others. Still, Petra couldn't help but dwell on the way he had narrowed his eyes upon first seeing her. Had she done something to offend?

At least she was getting along well with her new squad. Eld and Gunther both seemed like people Petra would enjoy calling her friends. And Oluo… well, they were right back to their training days relationship. Oluo was annoying. Petra scolded. Did he still have a crush on her? For heaven's sake.

"So, do you have any family?" Gunther asked. It was a sitting around sort of day, with nothing much to do except train, sip tea and oddly… clean. That was another surprising thing about Levi, but who was she to judge? Everyone has their thing. Either way, the squad was currently taking a break from the two more strenuous activities (who knew cleaning could be so intense?) with a bit of refreshment.

"Just my father. My mother died when I was very young, so I don't remember her."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

Petra smiled. "It's alright. It doesn't bother me. My father always made sure to tell me stories about her, so I'd sort of know my mother." Petra didn't notice the slightly pained and conflicted expression that had come over Levi's face. No one did. She kept on going. "He's always telling me how my red hair reminds him of her." She laughed a little, then suddenly stopped. Why was everyone looking at Levi? Why were they so quiet, when just a second ago they were smiling? _Oh…_

Levi wore a dark expression.

"Your hair is not red."

"I… I'm sorry, Captain? I was just…" What was she apologizing for? She didn't know.

"It is blonde. Your file says so."

"I always considered it a light ginger…" Petra wasn't sure why she was arguing.

"It is not red."

"Y-yes, sir." She looked down.

Levi stared intently at her for a few minutes, then made a 'tch' sound and left the room.

* * *

Levi furiously cleaned. He scrubbed, he swept, he did everything known to man in the name of cleaning.

He finally stopped in the middle of the floor down in some little-used basement. He didn't mean to stop; he simply collapsed while scrubbing the hopelessly stained floor until his hands were raw and fell back onto his rear, stretching cramped legs in front of him. He ripped the handkerchief covering his mouth and nose off so that he could let sobbing accompany the tears that had mingled with the soap as he scrubbed.

 _That's it, get it all out here, where no one will see. If you must be weak and cry, do it here._

 _Damn it, why did Erwin have to be right? Why didn't he stop me? He could have stopped me…_

Petra was no Shannon in many ways. She was quieter, less rambunctious, and a thousand times more respectful of authority. Petra valued keeping the peace. Shannon had lived for disrupting it.

But both of them were caring, feeling, understanding people. Both of them could sense when someone was in pain and knew how to ease it.

And while Petra was of the hard-to-come-by race of People Shorter than Levi and Shannon had taken far too much pleasure in her one centimeter extra over him, and while Petra's eyes were an intriguing amber-brown and Shannon's had been a dazzling dark blue, there was the hair.

Because no matter how much Levi lied to himself and others, it was ginger. And ginger is red.

Why, why was it always red? That damn file had lied. Blonde, indeed. No, Levi should have known that he could not escape the color. That color not only defined the horrors that filled Levi's life by representing the ever-present blood of fallen comrades, not to mention things unspeakable in the Underground, it always seemed to follow him in the form of a girl.

 _Isabel… you called me Big Bro… I should have called you Little Sister. I'm sorry._

 _Shannon… for a brief time I had two wonderfully insane redheads in my life. And one by one, I lost them. I'm sorry._

 _I should have been there; both times I could have saved the ones that meant the most to me in the whole world. I'm sorry._

 _I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

Levi squeezed the rag until a puddle formed next to him, soapy water and salty tears indistinguishable.

The squad knew why the 'red hair' comment had bothered him. Would they tell Petra?

At least Levi felt confident that his squad wouldn't go so far as to explain the larger picture. At least they wouldn't tell the second component to the story. Levi's relationship with Shannon hadn't been anywhere near widely known, but it had never truly been a secret. This other detail, however, was sacrosanct, and only those closest to the pair had known of its existence.

" _Levi?"_

" _What is it?"_

" _Look at me, Levi." Levi set the paperwork he had been doing down. Shannon waited a moment before apparently deciding that she had Levi's undivided attention._

" _I'm pregnant."_

 _Shannon watched Levi closely, clearly trying to gauge his reaction. But at the moment, Levi was simply trying to comprehend._

 _It wasn't as if it was far-fetched. Really, Levi was somewhat surprised the possibility had never occurred to him before. After all, they had been married three years now. Babies didn't come from wishes or storks. A healthy young married couple with a healthy relationship was bound to result in a baby eventually. But somehow, it seemed surreal that it should be happening to him, Levi._

" _Levi?" Shannon was biting her lip, anxious to know his thoughts. Levi always found it strange how she could be so perceptive until it was regarding his thoughts about_ her _. She had once tried to explain, theorizing that her own emotions got in the way so that she couldn't sense his properly._

 _Levi wanted to say the right thing. He wanted to say something positive, like 'that's great!' That's what he was supposed to say. That's how he was supposed to feel. Overjoyed. But as the shock wore off, the emotion replacing it wasn't joy, but pure terror._

" _I…"_

" _You're not happy." Levi's heart ached when he saw Shannon's face cloud over with pain. All he wanted was to make her happy…_

" _No, no, Shannon, that's not… it's just…. I'm just in shock. I just need to process."_

 _Shannon looked dubious. Despite her limitations, she clearly knew he had started feeling more than shock._

 _Levi didn't know how to tell her. He didn't know how to explain. He didn't even understand_ himself _, to be honest._

" _Shannon…" He reached out and took her hand, holding it awkwardly, not sure what to do with it now that he had it._

 _Shannon gazed down at their hands with a melancholy expression. Suddenly, her face softened, and she looked up at Levi with immense sympathy._

" _Oh, Levi… you're scared, aren't you?"_

 _She said it so softly, like a mother reassuring a child._ It's just like back then. Sometimes a touch is all you need.

 _Levi stared back at Shannon. "I can't be a father."_

 _Shannon embraced Levi in a hug. "Of course you can. And I'll be there to help you every step of the way."_

A fresh round of sobs racked Levi's body. _You lied. You lied, Shannon. You were only there to help me through one year._

And how happy that year had been… despite all of Levi's fears, it had been wonderful. From the moment he first saw his daughter's face… so small and wrinkly and pink. Anything but beautiful, newborn babies were positively disgusting, much like the agonizing process leading up to them. Those had been horrible hours for Levi, but for whatever reason, that little pink lump was worth it. Because she was _theirs_.

Even the sleepless nights, even the hellish smell of soiled diapers, even the numerous times she spit up on him… all those memories were sacred now. Because Shannon was there.

But now, Levi found himself glimpsing into the future, with a girl raised by her father telling how her red hair was a living reminder of her dead mother.

Levi pulled his knees to his chest and hid his face, struck with sudden homesickness.

 _I want to go home._

 _I want to see Isabel._

* * *

The faces the others in the squad had given Petra after Levi left had informed her it was best not to pry. Still, she never could quite shake the experience.

But if there was one thing Petra was great at, it was people. She was an introvert, true, and didn't care for being at the center of attention, but she knew how to make people comfortable around her. Maybe it wasn't so much a skill as a gift. She didn't try. She was just herself. Time passed, and soon she became very much a part of Squad Levi.

A few months after Petra had been reassigned, she found herself once again questioning Levi's choice of hobby.

"It's raining. We clean today." _We don't normally clean? Ah, well. In a strange way, his eccentricities are endearing. For all his faults, I like my Captain._

"Eld, you get the men's barracks. Gunther, mess hall and kitchen. Oluo, stables."

"Crap," Oluo muttered so quietly only Petra, standing next to him, could hear. If Levi noticed, he ignored it.

"That leaves you the women's barracks, Shannon." Levi started to leave.

Petra started. "Sir?" So caught off guard was she, she didn't see the frantic looks and shakes of the head the others were giving her.

Levi turned. "What?"

"Who's Shannon?"

The only sound was the hollow pitter-patter of rain on the windows as Levi's eyes slowly grew wide with horror.

"Did I call you that?" It was a whisper.

"Yes, sir."

Levi abruptly turned away. "I apologize."

He didn't give Petra a chance to say anything more, leaving with broom in hand.

As soon as he was gone, Petra turned to her comrades, confusion on her face. The others looked at each other warily.

As second-in-command, Eld often took on whatever role was needed in their group. Today, it was apparently spokesman.

"Shannon was a member of our squad. She died five months ago in combat. You're her replacement."

 _Oh…_

"Geez, she was way more than that," Oluo muttered, arms folded.

"Oluo." Eld was stern. "It is not our place to tell more."

"She had red hair." It was Gunther who had spoken. Petra felt a pang of guilt, suddenly remembering Levi's reaction all that time ago when Petra referred to her hair as red. There was something cruel about the situation, replacing a redhead with another redhead. It was surprising, really, that she hadn't been called 'Shannon' sooner.

"It's not your fault, Petra," Eld reassured, as though reading her thoughts.

"I know." She managed a weak smile. "At any rate, we'd better start cleaning."

Petra left quickly, wanting to be alone with her thoughts. She didn't know the whole story, and she doubted if she ever would, but she was content to understand why Levi acted as he did around her. And maybe one day, just maybe, he could trust her enough to tell her what Shannon had meant to him.

And maybe one day, Petra could mean something too.


End file.
